Drowning friendship

I made myself a promise to write something everyday, but I was left baffled, I’m blank. Then I was looking out my window, and saw a friend of mine walking her daughter to school, also saw her yesterday walking her home. I was thinking to myself I haven’t seen her in almost  six months, we’ve had the occasional “how are you” text, but that’s it. I, also thought, please don’t come to my door, I don’t have the energy for her. She is one of those that always has a problem with her husband being borderline abusive, and I was always there to listen. On one occasion, they had a terrible fight that left a hole in the wall and bruises on her arm from him grabbing her. She called me and I was there, picked her up, changed the sheets on my son’s bed,  took care her daughter, went to the store to make her a drink and, stay with her for hours listening. It was a Friday night when she called me, and I was at the store with my daughter planning a movie night, we were looking forward to laying on the couch, eating ice cream and watching whatever movie we decided on. I was standing in the freezer isle of the grocery store, listening to her cry hysterically on the phone, I had to help… Right? Our plans for the night were foiled. Good thing my daughter is a trooper, and did not hold it against me. My whole family waited on her hand and foot, my son gave up his room, my daughter took care of her daughter and,my husband feed them. After all that she left in the middle of the night, leaving her daughter, without even a word. We have talk a few times since then, but our friendship was never the same. I had to take a step back, I had to look at what she bringing to the table in this friendship. Thinking back,nothing! She had no other conversation, but herself and her warp view on Christianity. I would invite her to family parties and other get-togethers at my house, and she would dominated conversations, making sure everyone knew about her rough childhood.At the time our friendship was first forming she was going through hard times and not looking like her usual put-together self. After finding out that she couldn’t even afford to buy hair conditioner at the time, I went into my room and pulled all my samples of hair products, makeup, lotions and, perfumes and gave the to her. It wasn’t easy, I love my freebies! There are so many instance I can come up with, but I’m starting to rant. I have never wanted anything in return, I’m just exhausted by this friendship. Toward the end I wasn’t so nice in my advice, I would harp on her about getting a job, whenever she would start talking about problems with her husband I would shut her down by telling her to leave him. We slowing cut each other off, without even an argument, and I’m fine with it. I wish her the best in life, but I need to move on.

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I said it…

I said it out loud with excitement, but was met with scepticism. My heart dropped, am I being realistic, can I do this. You know what I doesn’t matter, I’m doing it. If I don’t do it now when will I, can’t do it when I’m dead!             Not wanting to say it, because it knew it would be real, and I would talk myself out of it. Actually I said it, now I have to do it, prove them wrong.           Yah, I said it…

Oh life!

   Well here I go, so many thoughts in my head that I just can’t get them out. It’s been almost a year since I’ve been out of work, and I’m still sitting here thinking what am I going to do with myself. After working 16 years at the same job and over 20 years basically doing the same thing over and over again, and raising 3 kids that don’t really need me anymore, I felt depleted. Today I decided to enroll in college. Something I have always wanted to do, but after turning 30 then 40 I didn’t think I had it in me. My husband is what I call a professional student, he has been in college for the past 15yrs off and on, leaving me to always make sure the family is being taken care of. He is now going back to pursue his masters and plans to go further, and still has no career! So today I decided it’s my turn,  determined! I don’t even want to discuss it with my family and friends, I just want to do it. If you knew most of them you would know they would talk me out of it and break my determination. Even if no one reads this, I just have to share this in my own way. Its a way to keep track of my new beginnings and stay moving forward. Wish me luck! I’m going to do this!